Relax!

That word is probably the command I’ve been told most often in my life. I’m sorry, but it is just not in my chemical makeup. I’ve tried therapy, prescription drugs, herbal supplements, yoga, music with subliminal messages. It’s just not going to happen. Boyfriend has said that I may as well be in a stressful job because I’ll be stressed out either way. Frankly, I think I really shine when the pressure is really on (and not just in my head).

New boss called me into his office the other night to let me know that he thinks I’m doing a good job, but that he sees me getting worked up over little things. He said it’s just a job; it’s just an entry-level job (ok, stop rubbing it in already). There’s nothing to stress out about. I just need to relax.

Uh-huh. Right. Never going to happen.

I spent half the night upset over our little discussion.

Ok! I’m Down. Now Would You Please Stop Kicking Me?

I found out last night that my former employer filled my position. They made a huge deal about how they would definitely not need me back, and they could pull employees from other departments if absolutely necessary. But apparently they changed their minds and hired a blonde 22-year-old college drop-out who lives with (off of?) mommy and daddy.

I called my boyfriend and yelled and screamed and cried. How could he not tell me in a “safe” place? He let me find out in front of people I don’t want to cry in front of. Did he think I really wouldn’t find out? This is a small town!

I don’t want the job back; my pride would not allow it. I really don’t want to ever speak to or see most of the people who still work there. It would have been nice to have been asked (the thought that counts), and I would have liked the chance to say “screw you!”.

What To Do?

My new employer offers tuition reimbursement for related courses and/or required courses for a related degree. Since my paycheck is so small, I am considering taking advantage of this opportunity. I’ve learned the hard way that the degree I already have is way to obscure to help me get any sort of job, but maybe I can transfer many of my previously earned credits and be halfway to another degree. Business courses are nice and generic and may help convince someone that I am qualified to work in an office.

I met with an adviser at the local office of our statewide university system about a week ago to discuss these thoughts with her. Courses start this week and I was thinking about signing up for something (anything?). I didn’t particularly care for higher education my first go around or my second (which was with this university). I really really don’t want to be trapped in a crappy no-respect low paying job for my entire working career, but that truly seems to be the direction I’m headed.

The adviser did her best to talk me out of taking more courses. She thinks I need to figure out what exactly I really want to do (yeah, like the current job market affords anyone that luxury), revamp my resume (again?…*eye roll*) and be applying to different sorts of things. Um, hello? What exactly does she think I’ve spent the last few months doing? I’ve given up on that road; I’m looking for a new one. She also thinks that with a little searching, I could find a great secretarial job, because nothing says successful career like secretary. I don’t know what I want to be “when I grow up”, but I’m pretty certain my life’s ambition is not to be a secretary; I want to have a secretary.

I haven’t signed up for anything. I think what I really need to sign up for is little white padded room.

I’ve Cried More…

…in the past month, than I did in the first twelve of my life. And I almost did again this morning.

The other day a coworker asked how much I pay in rent. I pay $550 for my beautiful, large, heat-included one bedroom apartment. I am very satisfied with that arrangement, and I’ve lived in the same place for over two years now.

My coworker was outraged that I pay so much. Well! Sorry! But not all of us live in out fiance’s mother’s basement!

She and the fiance are planning to purchase a trailer to put up on a corner of mother’s land that they bought for $1. So she went to a bank yesterday to see about getting a loan for the trailer.

She comes in today to brag to me about how she can get her loan for less than I pay in rent per month.

Yes, I want an house (but not a trailer). Yes, I have a down payment saved up. But I no longer have the income to buy a house and maintain it and all the other costs.

Yep, another close call tear-wise.

A Quick Update

I’m exhausted. In regards to my last post, let’s face it; I’m a glass-is-half-empty sort of person. But the new job seems to be going pretty well. I’ve come to accept the fact that as the new person, I’m bound to look like a fool much of the time. Thankfully, my coworkers are kind and patient teachers who help me fix all my mistakes. I like them, but it’s strange – I’ve never worked in a predominantly female environment before. There is a little less Nascar and a little more cattiness. OK, goodnight.

The New Job Started Today

“It’s not having what you want
It’s wanting what you’ve got“
~Sheryl Crow (Soak Up the Sun)

My primary method of applying to jobs has been through online applications. Most of them disappeared into the computer and never generated a response. Eventually, I tried something different and tried going directly to HR at the places I knew were hiring. Most of these people said, ‘nice to meet you, but you’ll need to fill out the online application’.

Of all the applications I filled out, only one generated a response, and it was one I wasn’t particularly excited about. I had my interview at the office in the town north of here for the part-time position (afternoons only – as if that could possibly work in conjunction with any other part-time job) which I had applied for. The manager who interviewed me also said we should discuss the supervisory position because of my previous managerial experience (in a completely unrelated industry). He got my hopes up, then took it back because I don’t have previous experience in this industry. Well, duh, but he was looking at my resume when he said it the first time.

The interview went well, and as I was leaving, the manager introduced me to everyone else in the office, as though it was assumed that I would be getting the job. I spent the next several days frantically trying to follow up on all my other applications in attempt to find something better. It didn’t work. I was torn: should I say yes, and although perhaps unethical, keep quietly looking for something? Should I say no, on the basis that I have over five months left before my unemployment benefits run out, and I’m sure I could find work in May when tourist season starts?

The manager was so impressed with my interview that he decided to offer me an unadvertised full-time position in the office around the corner from where I live. Work’s, work, right? I took the job.

On the positive side, this job gets me in the door into the office world, which is part of the reason none of my other applications generated interest. It also gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The company (a large international organization which will remain unnamed) offers benefits including health/dental/life insurance, more than two weeks annual vacation, a 401K plan, and tuition reimbursement for related education (business courses). Supposedly there is also room for quick advancements for anyone eager enough.

On the negative side we have two issues. First, everyone I talk to thinks I will be bored out of my friggin’ mind. I’ve been trying to put that thought aside, but it has really been drilled in there now. Second, the pay (to put it nicely) sucks.

The weekly pay amounts to just slightly more than an unemployment check (or just over half my old salary). I cannot pay for rent, bills, and food on what this company is paying me, never mind an appropriate wardrobe. But work’s work, right? I’m still hanging on to the side work I’m doing for my friend, and that may generate additional similar projects. I expect to be working at least sixty hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s why I don’t really have time to discuss this.

I’m irritated and insulted. I have 10 years of customer service experience. I have a degree from an internationally acclaimed university. At bear minimum, I should be making $12 an hour. Have the last 10 years of my life meant nothing? I could have had this job at this pay as a high school dropout. Of the seven other people I now work with, not one has a higher degree, and six work at least two jobs to make ends meet. And I’m really fucking sick of hearing about how it’s all because of the “economy”. OK?

Hired!

I just don’t have the time to tell you about it right now.

Mmmm, Yummy Food

I should be spending more time at the gym, but I’ve been doing pretty much the total opposite lately. I’ve been reacquainting myself with my oven instead.

About a week ago I made some Olive and Rosemary Bread (yes, with yeast, from scratch, no bread machine). It was the first time in several years that I’ve attempted to make bread, and although it took forever, it came out great. Of course, because I had to give away some (it doesn’t keep long enough for just me to consume it), I got requests for more bread!

Last night I made a little roast chicken. It was in the oven for nearly two hours and completely fell off the bones when I took it out of the oven. My whole apartment smelled delicious! I also have a great recipe for chicken tacos with a green sauce that I’m going to make tonight with some of the leftovers. And I’ll still have the legs and thighs leftover for another meal!

Last summer during blueberry season I purchased two 10 lb flats and froze them. Freezing blueberries is a pain in the butt, because you are not supposed to freeze them in a block, they are supposed to be spread out in a thin layer and allowed to freeze individually, before tossing them all together. It took days to freeze them all! I love blueberries and figured they would be gone in a couple months. But I still have some! Lots, in fact. So I’ve promised Boyfriend a pie sometime in the near future.

But today I’ve been having a lousy time on the job search front, so I think I”m going to skip the gym again and make some Cinnamon Raisin Bread. At least cooking yields tangible results.

Where is my Fairy Godmother?

Edited to add lyrics!

“Its a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
cause he knows that its me they’ve been comin’ to see
To forget about life for a while

And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, man, what are you doin’ here?

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Sing us a song, you’re the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, were all in the mood for a melody
And you’ve got us feelin’ alright“
~Billy Joel (Piano Man)

I must have watched one too many Disney movies as a kid. I really, honestly, and truly thought this life would turn out better.

Every little girl has dreams, and I doubt she dreams of one day becoming me. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, but this isn’t it either. I thought I’d be someone. I thought I’d matter. I thought I’d have something useful to contribute to society. It thought I’d do something(s) noticeable. At the very least, I thought I’d be happy.

A friend hired me to do some work for him. Actually, I think he took pity on me. He and a partner are working on a hobby/restoration/”investment” project and have now hired three others (all of whom would be otherwise completely unemployed) to do the dirty work. And it is very dirty. But it gives me a purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The pay is decent, and since I’m only part time, I can still be searching for something permanent.

But I hate, hate, hate the work. The best thing about getting laid off was thinking that I would never have to do this shitty work again, and for this project, I’ve got the worst of it, because the other two wouldn’t do it. But I’m so torn, because it puts food on the table. Beggars can’t be choosers, right? And I’m definitely a beggar looking for work.

I want to work in an office. I want to sit at a desk and not have to work in awkward places or contorted postures. I want to be clean; I want to feel pretty. I want to stop inhaling chemicals “known by the State of California to cause cancer”. I want to employ my mind, because someone once told me I was intelligent, instead of continually abusing my small tired body.

Unfortunately, there are also lots of qualified people looking for office work against who I must compete. I’m finding that it is simply impossible to convince a hiring manager that I am capable of switching occupations.

So, I’m sitting in my local bar (b/c they have wireless internet) and drinking whiskey, while a part inside of me dies. And tomorrow I’ll get up and do it all over again. Yeah, this really is the life.

Job Search Express

“I’m so much like you.
Restless and reckless,
I need a clue.
So show me a sign.
I feel like making a move,
Real geographic, a change in mood.
We’ll let go of everything we know.

You and I will ride tonight,
‘Till the past is out of sight.
We don’t have to look back now.
From the dark in to the light,
We can leave it all behind.
We can stand together,
We don’t have to look back now-ow-ow.”
~Puddle of Mud (We Don’t Have to Look Back Now)

This morning I attended a state-run training session for the unemployed entitled “Job Search Express”.

I expected an overview of things like where one should look to find a job, how to create an attention-grabbing resume, and tips on cover letters and interviewing. I figured I would know pretty much everything the instructor had to say but perhaps I would get some new inspiration. I was wrong; the whole thing was a joke.

First we wrote our names on cards to set in front of ourselves around a large U-shaped table set-up. Then we went around the room and introduced ourselves and mentioned what we used to do and what we were looking to do. By the time we got around all 30 of us (an hour later), there were lots of little side conversations. The instructor realised he had lost control of the group and had us take a 20 minute break. After our break, there was universal griping about how the unemployment benefits office/system is run, a debate about our “work search logs” and how frequently can you list the same employer on your log, and the handing out of three pages worth of totally useless q & a (eg, “Do I have a right to be angry? How long will I feel like this?). And that was it. We were free to go. What a waste of two hours!

However, I knew two other people in the room. LD and LT were also let go from the same company I was, and we shared hugs and a few grievances and phone numbers. LT’s doing ok; he’s never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he’s looking for work and enjoying the extra time with his children. LD’s doing even better; she’s working to start her own business, and has found out tons of information about assistance programs and grants. They are both healthy and happy. It was good to see that and to see them.

I’ve been so lost. I was initially so scared about being unemployed that I tried to jump right in to job searching. I failed to realize that I needed time to grieve and do some soul searching. I’ve done next to nothing in the last two weeks, and being sick isn’t the only excuse. I am a procrastinator; actually that is my “biggest weakness” that interviewers ask about. If I have a mile-long to-do list or a series of deadlines, I get down to business and set the cruise control. If I have little to do, I do little.

Today I received my final check from my old employer. Next week I will receive nothing, and the week after I will begin receiving $344 /wk, before taxes. The deadline is now upon me. I’m wide awake and suddenly focusing clearly.

I am better off than most of the other people sitting in that room this morning. I have an education, and I’m not to proud to take something beneath my skill level, providing – and this is what separates new job from old job – there is room and expectation for advancement.

So what are my job prospects?

1) I’ve been communicating with an individual who works for a government office. This is potentially my long-term dream job. However, this individual is unsure that my skill set suits their available openings and is looking into it. She does expect the office to expand within the next year, creating jobs in subject matter I am educated in. Maybe I can’t work there next week or next month, but this woman is really the first person to take notice of me and seems to think that I might be a match for the organization.

2) The local hospital is advertising two positions that interest me. The first is for a histologist, and the position involves performing chemical experiments on tissues and fluids. Cool. I like chemistry. I do not have the requisite certification, but perhaps there is training available. The other position is in billing and only requires a high school diploma. I’m good with computers, good with numbers, and have a willingness to learn about the medical field. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow morning.

3) A major financial corporation has a call center near here and has advertised two positions online. I applied to one but did not receive a response, which thus far has not been unusual. I’m not going to bother with the online application for the second. Instead, I’m going to go directly to that office and show them that I can be the aggressive sales agent they need.