“And she says, ‘oooh,
I can’t take no more.’
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down.
‘Cause I can’t help her now.
She’s down in it.
She’s tried her best, and now she can’t win it.
It’s hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.
…
She shuts out the night
And tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight she’ll be alright.
She’ll be alright.
Just not tonight.”
~Rob Thomas (Her Diamonds)
I know I sound like a goddamn broken record, but that’s what depression does to me. I cannot let it all go; it really is just one big spiral to the bottom, and then when I get there, the floor opens and the bottom is even further down than I imagined. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, and there is no way back, because all those doors have been slammed shut. And I have no support network, because nobody wants to keep listening to me complain. Sometimes I try to but on the strong front (fake it ’till you make it), but then I just cry myself to sleep when no one else is around.
My therapist doesn’t offer solutions, he just nods his head and agrees with me. What am I supposed to do? How do I stop this cycle? Why am I paying this man money I don’t have to spend, if I don’t feel better? (For anyone keeping count, this would be strike three in the therapist department.)
I got into a huge fight with my father about a week ago. I emailed him a copy of the “new and improved” resume (version 4868.7), that was vastly different than any I’ve used before, but the old ones didn’t work, so it should be revised. He didn’t even get the concept; he preferred the old unsuccessful one. He’s an engineer, perhaps he needed the more black and white presentation of the same information. Then he proceeded to spend an hour trying to convince me to go back to school and get a masters in engineering. “There are always openings in this field. You could work anywhere you want, in any industry. You already have more math and physics courses than I ever took. There are lots of great schools and programs here in Boston. If you need the money…” Etc.
DAMN IT, DAD!! YOU AREN’T LISTENING TO ME! I hated high school; I hated university. If I thought there was another path I would have taken it. The traditional education system has failed me time and time again. How would another few years of torture fix that? I’d just end up sitting here in the same place collecting my unemployment five or ten years from now wondering why I can’t get a decent job with my “great” education. I already feel like life is passing me by, I don’t want to be in the same place in life five years from now. And why on earth would I ever move back to Massachusetts? The suburban sprawl is too claustrophobic for me. I don’t want to move in New England. If I move it will be to the other coast. But somehow I cannot do that either. And it is not just about the money. I’ll never be rich; I get that. I just want to pay my bills now and maybe have a house with a yard for a dog and a garden someday. Why do you think that by offering me your money, you can make up for the love and support you have never given me? And don’t you dare use this as a ploy to break up me and my boyfriend.
Yesterday at the grocery store I ran into a former customer of mine, who first tried to tell me to quit my current job in favour of the one from which she knows me. I had to explain that the two reasons I left that job are still in effect: it is only a seasonal job, and my back still hurts just thinking about it. The she tried to convince me that what I need is a PhD in nursing (she is a nursing professor in Boston), and I should do it at her school! Her reasoning was, people in academia believe that when times are tough, and you don’t know what to do with your life, you go get more education (and rack up more debt), while you “figure things out”. “There will always be jobs available in nursing. You can work anywhere you want. Your science and customer service background will give you a good leg-up.” Sound familiar? It is so devastating to listen to the repeated advice, when deep down I know it doesn’t apply to me. How do I see myself so differently than the rest of the world sees me? And if I take in all the world’s criticism of me, and if I always follow their path, I don’t think I’ll ever learn to love myself.
Other notes:
Boyfriend is on vacation with the kids. Gone to visit Grandma (who I still haven’t met). My new assistant manager wouldn’t let me have two days off to meet up with them.
A part-time job I’d been promised just fell through, because I won’t work with the chemicals the owner is insisting upon. I could really use that money.
I screwed up at work today. Again. We got a new computer system in the middle of June and I’ve been having huge problems ever since. It’s become a joke to everyone else, but I was so determined that this month be better, that I almost had a breakdown when I discovered another problem today.
OK. I don’t know if you are on Prozac (Fluoxetine) or any other chemical assistance with the depression, but my own experience is that it helped put something under my feet I was still really low but I wasn’t sinking any more and I could start to scrabble up the slope, very slowly but whilst still clinically depressed I am so much better than I was.
Everyone wants you to go back to school! Why did you hate it? Is that something that will change? If not then keep plugging away applying for jobs, each one you don’t get is one closer to the one you do (trite, but it works for me).
I’m an IT bod, and still don’t understand why we make things so complicated, don’t beat yourself up too much about making mistakes, everyone does, you are just focussing on yours a bit more at the moment.
Sending you all my Best Wishes
I am not on antidepressants. I have previously been through much of the pharmacist’s arsenal and have never noticed an improvement. I’m not anxious to try a few more months of “let’s try this one, next”.
School. Sigh. This is a much longer story that I really want to go into, but the short version is that the traditional method of students sitting quietly while listening to a professor drone on about abstract information that is not generally applicable to every day life (or job) results in me absorbing absolutely nothing. For me, it is a complete waste of time. I had four years at an internationally acclaimed university and three courses since then at the local state system, and I don’t even feel comfortable having a conversation about my major with the average person. My diploma is still in a box from the last time I moved (2+ years ago). It is just a piece of paper; I’m not any more intelligent because I possess it.
Hey there… yeah I can, in one way, relate to how you’re feeling when it comes to education — I discovered long ago that I’m not cut out for the sitting-in-an-auditorium-while-a-prof-drones-on type of education, so what has worked for me is to join in on some hands-on workshops and training sessions. I find these to be far more riveting for me and these workshops/sessions look good on the resume as a way to show that I’ve continued to build on the skills I already have (and it sounds like you already have a number of skills in the first place). Employers like people who stay active in learning on the side.
As an aside, I work in a community college and I find that type of environment to be more rewarding than in an university setting because there’s a lot more hands-on involvement, and most classes doesn’t require you to sit there in boredom for two hours while a prof chews your ear off. If people (such as your dad) are going to insist on pushing education on you, have you considered a community college setting or a workshop/training session?
Hang in there and just politely thank people for their advice and keep doing what you think is the best thing for you. One of these days, you’ll have a major breakthrough and get that big job you’ve always wanted. You know what you want, so you go after what you want, not what others want for you!
Good luck!