…here are a few updates on my life. I don’t really have the words to express all my thoughts on some of these topics, so this will be a quick overview.

1) My email is STILL messed up. I’ve been reading the Yahoo Mail Blog, and they made some changes to their system about the time that my account stopped working. These changes supposedly messed up paid-for accounts ending in @something-other-than-yahoo.com, and mine should not have been affected. Those changes were fixed, but I still can’t use my email at home. I’ve reached a point of acceptance that it may never be the same.

2) My job search has produced zero phone calls. Zee-Row. Nobody even wants to talk to me. This does not help my self-esteem. Which brings us to point number…

3) I fired my therapist! And stopped taking my drugs! And I feel fine. The drugs didn’t do anything, and the therapy just made me more upset anyway.

4) My grandfather passed away recently. We weren’t close; I blame much of that on my relationship with my mother. I even skipped the last two family get-togethers, because I didn’t want to see my own parents. I still don’t, but I feel cheated. I guess I’m just a selfish brat (which is how my entire family on my father’s side already sees me). The extended family was surprized to see me at the funeral, because apparently my mother had previously told them that I would not attend. What the Hell, Mom? Of course I’d go, but if I wasn’t wanted, why did I bother?

5) All of my cousins (yes, including the youngest, entering grade 9) all seem really happy and comfortable and confident with their lives. The two out of university have real jobs - that they like! And the one who just finished her first year at Georgetown has an internship at a cancer research hospital in NYC. Even A. (the youngest) is doing a summer program in the fashion and event planning industry. What happened to me being the one with the most promise? Yes, I’m jealous, but that doesn’t get me any closer to figuring things out.

6) There was a fire at work a couple days ago. Well, not actually at work but within our sphere of influence. I don’t feel I did anything extraordinary (I’ve been doing this sort of stuff my whole life!). However, Manger and Big Boss both took note of my actions and ability to function in an emergency situation. I scored major brownie points, but in some ways I’m totally pissed off: they assumed I was capable of nothing, and this is the first time in almost three years that I have done something that actually garnered their positive attention. I suppose I will now go back into my nonexistence.

7) One of the alto sax players in my band has suggested that I quit, because I’m not good enough. Screw him. I didn’t try out for the group - it is a community band, open to all!. I never said I was any good, and nobody ever asked! I think he should take his elitist attitude and go elsewhere.  At least I have a volume control, unlike him - he just has forte. And at least I don’t sound like one of the other tenors, who frankly, sounds like a goose (as in HONNNK). We’ve had 6 performances in the last week-ish and another one on Tuesday (in my town!!) and then it looks like our schedule slows down a bit.

I think that about covers it. Questions?

Ever commit to something before you know exactly all of what is expected of you? (Who hasn’t, right?)

Well, I’ve done it recently, and now I feel stuck, because I’m really only interested in my original perceived level of participation, and not the current overload I’m feeling. But it seems like my choice is all or nothing.

Remember a while back I joined a band? It was good for a while. Rehearsals were every Tuesday evening for an hour and a half, and they were located at my town’s middle school about a half mile from where I live. Following April school vacation, rehearsals changed locations to an elementary school twenty-five miles away!! Rehearsals frequently run long, and I often don’t get home to start dinner until after nine pm! It is exhausting. The other night our rehearsal was running late because a few members felt the need to discuss an issue that should have been left up to the board, not the general membership, and I started quietly packing up. The alto sax sitting next to me, gets mad at me for being so rude (it should also be noted that this individual was one of the members who had many thoughts to add to the discussion) and asks if I’m going to turn into a pumpkin. Well! Excuse me! I haven’t seen my apartment since six-thirty in the morning, or a bite to eat since lunch, and I have a forty minute drive on dark pothole-ridden roads ahead of me. Yeah, I want to leave.

The drive is another issue. In the past week, the only day I drove my car anywhere was Tuesday. I’ve been trying really hard to do everything by bike or foot. It’s good for me. It’s good for my wallet. It’s good for the environment. I feel proud to be among the local bike commuters that I see regularly (we all wave to one another; it’s quite different from the one-finger wave you get in a car). I can’t get to rehearsal on my bike for four reasons: 1) it is so far. I could probably do one direction, but then how do I get home? 2) I’d be riding home in the dark. No thanks. Too dangerous. 3) The roads out there are really really rough in a car; they would not be suitable for a road bike. And some have no shoulder to ride on. 4) I play the tenor sax. It is too big to carry on my bike.

Then there is the performance schedule, which was finally handed out two rehearsals ago. Thus far, there have been two performances, which is about the frequency I was expecting. The first was a joke: we hadn’t been rehearsing long; we were inside and it was brutally hot; there was a bean supper to follow, so the beans could be smelled cooking downstairs - I thought I was going to puke! I missed the second performance (a series of three parades on Memorial Day), because I had to work. We have a performance outside at our lakeside bandstand tomorrow for Father’s Day. It will eat up my entire afternoon.

Next weekend is a parade in a town south of here, for which our band has also been invited to do a 2 hour performance afterwards. To participate or not (last minute invitation, reduced fee, poorly organized event) was the issue we were discussing the other night. Boyfriend and I have already been talking about going camping next weekend, because it was supposed to be a rare “free weekend” for both of us. The weekend after that, there is a cancer walk that we are playing at on Friday night, and then a big event Saturday two hours south of here, for which we are chartering a bus and will be gone the entire day. There is a performance, or two, nearly every single week between now and the end of September in addition to our weekly rehearsals and independent practicing. Most of the members of the band are retired; perhaps this doesn’t seem like such a huge commitment to them considering they have forty more hours in the week than I do.

I love my sax. But do I love it to the exclusion of my other interests and my free time? Absolutely not. So what do I do now?

UPDATE: I managed to check my email with no problems on a computer in the office at work today. Or, more accurately, I was finally able to delete all the spam in my inbox. I thought the problem was fixed! But then I checked my email at home, and it is still messed up. Both computers were using Windows and Firefox, so I guess the problem lies within my computer. Damn Dell.

I had a huge waffle craving a few weeks ago, but when I went to the brand new Lowes they were sold out of waffle irons. Three weeks in a row. Reluctant to go to Wally World, today I went to a small-chain local department store. They had more choices than Lowes and the prices were about the same. Oh, and they actually had some on the shelf. So what do you think I just ate for dinner? Well, I had to try it out!! And I had real maple syrup, and fresh strawberries and kiwi. Yummy.

Wow, is it hot!! The bank thermometer in town was reading 88 when I rode past at 4 o’clock. My apartment is at 84 and rising (westward facing). There is plenty of sun and almost no wind. I guess summer is here.

I spent the day working outside, my entire body covered in slimy sweat and sunscreen. My clothes were completely soaked through and plastered to me. I think (hope!) that I didn’t smell quite as bad as some of the guys I was working with, but really, there wasn’t much anyone could do about it.

I took a nice long cool shower the moment I got home, but I feel already feel sticky again. My still-damp hair isn’t cooling me off but making the back of my neck hot and sweaty. Why did I grow my hair long, again?

I need to get my air conditioner out of the basement, but that is a 2 person job, so it won’t happen tonight. I’m also thinking of swapping my chandelier for a ceiling fan. But for now, I suffer. Summer is my least favorite season.

My email account (a yahoo) is currently dead and has been since Friday. The display is off, things are out of place, buttons don’t work, and other items are completely non-existent. I cannot compose or open emails, although I can see who has sent to me.

I really really hope this is not a virus problem, and is a problem with yahoo that will be worked out in the near future. I’m starting to have the shakes from email withdrawal. Also, there are a good number of people who only know that address as the way to contact me…I’d be very sorry to lose them entirely if this isn’t resolved. I do not wish to get a new address.

If you communicate with me via email, I suggest you run a virus scan. Mine (Norton) didn’t turn up anything, but I don’t completely rule out the possibility.

For the time being, if anyone should wish to contact me, the best way is to post here, or call me.

*Cough, cough, cough*

I didn’t go to work today (see the time stamp…it’s the middle of the day!). I’m sick. So very very very sick. I have a completely debilitating case of need-a-day-off-itis. So, look out world; I suspect it is highly contagious.

So shit happened at work last week: A wonderful invitation to do something out of the norm, but which I am absolutely qualified for; followed by a broken promise, which was a very personal slap in the face. I was singled out, and everyone (except the manager responsible) agrees it was wrong and unfair. I was hurt by it, and it was all I could do to hold myself together long enough to get through the day. I cried and cried and cried when I got home. But I’ll survive, and I’m viewing this incident as a reminder that I’m not supposed to work there forever and using it as the kick in the pants to go do something.

So, I’m spending the day sitting on my couch, looking up job openings, and writing cover letters. Wish me luck!

“The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years.
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music.
My heart wants to sing every song it hears.”
~Rogers and Hammerstein (The Sound of Music)

Well, maybe not the sound of music so much as the sounds of me cheering!! I made it up that big hill between here and work, with a headwind, no less. It came early in my ride, so it wasn’t even the worst hill I survived today. I am totally confident that I can ride to work tomorrow.

After going up that hill (about 10 minutes north of here), I turned on OCRd and headed SW, up and down a few more hills and past the transfer station by the quarries. One of the quarries has been drained - wonder if they were looking for another body or if they are finally trying to do something about the smell out there. The transfer station used to dump stuff into a couple of the quarries, and twice a year (spring and fall) when the quarries go through their seasonal convective overturns, the whole area really really stinks.

Anyway, this road is hilly, and narrow - especially at the bridges over the quarries. I got to the end of OCRd and turned back onto the road I started on, came by the cement plant, the road construction (that I had totally forgotten about…I wouldn’t have gone all the way out there if I had remembered), the movie theater, and downhill back into downtown.

I learned several things today:

1) I’m stronger than I know. That giant mountain was only an ant hill.
2) My breathable windbreaker isn’t.
3) The streetsweepers need to come back and clear the winter sand off the shoulders.
4) The Lowes by the movie theater finally opened.
5) The ice cream place across from the movie theater wasn’t run out of town by a chain restaurant.

Things I need to learn:

1) How to get my feet into my toe-clips sooner. They drag on the ground when they are upside down.
2) How to drink and ride. No, not that kind of drinking! I mean how to maneuver the water bottle out of the cage, get water into my mouth, and get the bottle back in the cage while still avoiding potholes and moving in a straight line.
3) The proper etiquette (for lack of a better term) for intersections.

Things other people need to learn:

1) The driver of a White Mercury Mariner needs to learn that honking at a cyclist is rude and dangerous. I was traveling in a straight line in the breakdown lane, and therefore not in your way. I knew you was there; I could hear you coming up behind me. And then you honk while flying by me? Does you honk at every car you pass? Fuck You. And your gas guzzling tank and your overweight McDonalds-scarfing kids in the back seat (ok, I made that second part up).
2) The driver of a Black Yukon could use a similar lesson, although this honking did occur on a much narrower road, where I was to the left of the white line. Actually this was probably worse, since I had a much smaller margin of error. Share the road people!
3) Japanese import “motorcycles” aren’t the real deal. And revving one of those engines just calls attention to the fact that you don’t know the difference between a mosquito and a hog. (Damn, I’m becoming a redneck!)

Total bike time: 57minutes
Estimated distance: 10 miles?

See that? Isn’t it pretty? And it’s mine, ALL MINE!!! Woo-Hoo!! The bike is a 2008 Trek 1.2 WSD, Trek’s entry level designed-for-a-female road bike. Yep, a real road bike, with skinny smooth tires and curlicue handlebars.

I’ve never had a road bike before, but I’ve wanted one for so long. I kept putting off purchasing one, because they are so expensive (yes, way more so than a mountain bike or a hybrid), but although I complained about the price, I was never closer to actually getting one. I finally realized that, in my head, I may never be able to justify the price, and if I really wanted one, I should just go get it and figure out how to pay for it later. So I did! And by the way, where is that economic stimulus payment already?

I’ve already been out on it a couple times, and I will go out today to, providing the rain holds off…I’m still a little afraid of those tiny tires! It feels so light and smooth and nearly effortless, compared with my old piece of junk hybrid. And because I bought it from a bike shop (as opposed to, say, Wally-World) there were experts to help me find the right fit. I tried a couple sizes and brands, and I could really notice a difference in the geometry. I get free adjustments and tune-ups for a year, and all the components have been tweaked to fit me.

I’m panning to use this bike to train for my big triathlon debut…you know…someday. And I’m planning to ride it to work. The trip is about seven miles, one way, but it has one big huge hill, that I don’t yet know if I can do. I plan to find that out this weekend, and if all goes well, I’ll be riding to work on Monday! I have two coworkers who also live in this town and are talking about riding to work throughout the summer, so that should be fun, and we’ll help keep each other motivated. I’m going to have some killer legs and a smokin’ behind (oh, yeah, I bought the shorts, too), and I won’t be buying so much gas for the station wagon.

I’m so excited!! See you on the road!

Or, that’s what I’ve been told anyway.

There was a funeral this afternoon. I knew the man had died, I knew the funeral was today, I knew plenty of others who were going, but I chose not to go. So why didn’t I go? Simple: I didn’t know the man!

So what’s the fuss? Well, this man was the founder (40? 50? years ago) of the company I work for. His son bought the company in the 80’s, and for many years the father would frequently come by to see what was going on. I work for the son, but the father hasn’t been around much in several years.

Apparently, I’m a selfish, thoughtless, heartless, bitch, because I didn’t feel it was necessary for me to be at the funeral. From a coworker-friend, I received a lecture about how she didn’t know him either, but that she was going because she cares about our boss and his family. I should have gone to demonstrate my loyalty to the company.

What the hell? I demonstrated my loyalty to the company by actually working to the end of the day, while most others skipped out early to shower, change, and get a good parking spot!

I offered my condolences to my boss, his wife, and his sister a week ago. I feel I met my obligations as an employee and as a member of the human race, and I don’t really understand what the big deal is. There were others who didn’t go either; I wonder if they did/will get the same lecture.

So (as if anyone is keeping score), the fact that my apartment is relatively clean and the fact that I am researching and asking questions about future employment, are probably good signs that the Zoloft is working. Maybe? I’ve been on taking it for a week now (this is new drug/dosage #5 since February), and I have to go back to the expensive psychiatrist next week. I have to see my regular councilor on Wednesday; I should really just fire her and be done with it. How does one go about finding a councilor they click with? I’m 0-2 now, and pretty skeptical that this whole industry is just a scam.