Archive for December, 2008

The Twelve Pains at Christmas

Have you heard this song by Storm Akima on the radio? It is about the only Christmas song on the radio I can stand, mostly because it cracks me up. Well, that’s not entirely true; I do like instrumental versions of some songs, including Sleigh Ride and a version of Silent Night by Kenny G, but generally, Christmas songs on the radio get real old, real fast.

Some thoughts on the lyrics, as they apply to my life:

1) I bought my tree yesterday. It is a perfect size, but it doesn’t have much scent. I sadly suspect it was cut down long long ago, but it is so much easier to get one at a lot than a cut-it-yourself tree farm.

2) I haven’t rigged up the lights or hung ornaments yet, because I’m waiting for the branches to unfold a little bit more.

4) I’m not sending Christmas Cards this year. I don’t feel like it. Please don’t feel left out if you were expecting one. And if it makes your life easier, you can leave me off your lists too.

5) Bills. Yep. I’m going to have a bunch, because I’m footing the bill for boyfriend and me to stay in a hotel, instead of at my parents house. I require space.

6) The inlaws thing doesn’t really apply to me, but pity my boyfriend. I do.

Here are the humorous lyrics, but I recommend this You Tube video if you haven’t heard it:

“The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Inebriated man (3): Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I’m trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
6: And what do you mean, “your in-laws”?!?
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Toy-commercial voice (10): “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She’s a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who’s got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make ’em dinner!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: I’m not sending them this year, that’s it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you’re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.”

Bah Humbug!

My employer has officially lost his f***ing mind. Everyone has always said that Big Boss is such a nice guy who cares so much about his employees and how lucky we all are to work for someone like that. Bullshit. Two incidents recently have transformed our wonderful place of employment into one of anger and panic.

The first is related to my post a couple weeks ago, when suddenly we were informed that some of us may lose our jobs, as we run out of work. The rest of the company was given the same speech about a week later. On Monday, Big Boss introduced his latest charity case – in the form of a new employee!! Some companies donate canned goods to food pantries or work a soup kitchen, or sign up to sponsor a struggling family at Christmas so the kids all get presents. Not us. We just give the charity child a job!! This kid, “J”, is a high school student at a local alternative high school (although he lives several counties away, who knows how he ended up here?) and must be on some sort of work-study plan. I don’t know what hours he studies, though, because he is with us from 9-3. He spent the first two days sweeping the floors, going round and round the building, while everyone else continued doing their thing, which involves making a huge mess. Normally, the whole crew stops creating the mess on Friday afternoon and cleans up, together.

So then, yesterday I was searching for a missing tool attachment, and noticed J working in a back corner, but he wasn’t sweeping. He was doing an easy, mindless aspect of… wait for this… my job. You know, the job I might lose, because there isn’t enough work. Today, I was asked to teach him, so he could keep going with that project!

I about lost my mind. I tried to politely ask a couple higher-ups what was going on. If there isn’t enough work for “us”, how is there enough work for him? I am not ok with running out of work, or teaching my potential replacement! The response from both higher-ups was the same: “we aren’t running out of work, and he’s just a kid who wants to learn something.” Wait. I’m confused. Didn’t they just recently tell us otherwise? What the hell?

The other incident concerns our Christmas vacation, and I use that term very loosely. This year, the company is giving us the 25h and the 1st off, paid. That’s it. Granted, our employee handbook only guarantees those two days off, but every single year there have been more paid holidays. Last year, we were given the whole week between the holidays off and paid. As a conservative, bare minimum guess, I would have expected to get Friday the 26th off this year. That’s what everyone thought and made travel plans accordingly.

Big Boss decided in the beginning of November that we would get the day after Thanksgiving off, for a four-day weekend. This happens some years, but not all. We thought that was great! The announcement for Christmas was made following Thanksgiving weekend(during the same meeting when they told the rest of the company they might lose their jobs…a meeting now referred to at “the sermon”) . So those of us that already had other plans (I think, this is most of the company), now have to use a vacation day(s).

“Oh, and don’t forget everyone, the annual Christmas party will be held at a local restaurant on the 19th, please make sure to turn in your dinner choices by next Monday!” Let me get this straight. We can’t have one extra holiday, because we have no work, and we are now paying an extra person to do my nonexistent job? But we can have a big party? Boyfriend is trying to talk me into boycotting the party. He’s fed up and doesn’t see much to celebrate. I think he’s right.

Bah Humbug.