Posts Tagged 'Bitch'

Just Hang On

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you’ll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something’s coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you”

~Pink Martini (Hang on Little Tomato)

What a way to start the new year.

First of all, I’m sick. Boyfriend had a nasty cold/flu thing just before Christmas, which got him out of having to meet my family. I wished really really hard that I would get it too, and miss the whole holiday crap myself, but it came too late.  Ugh. And I’m supposed to work tomorrow, to do some really nasty work that nobody else wants to be around during the normal workday.

Second, the heat and hot water are out in my apartment. Again. What terrible timing! I’m always the one who ends up calling the landlord when somethings wrong with the building, so I always feel like a whiny brat. There are at least six other tenants, and the guy who runs a business on the street level. Why can’ t one of them call for once? But I’m the sicky one, so I’m sure it will be me again. What can I say? My tolerance level for this crap happens to be kinda low at the moment.

Third, Did I mention I have to work tomorrow? With dangerous chemicals. They’re so bad, in fact, that I’ll be earning my hazard pay, which is part of the reason I agreed to do this in the first place. I’ll be wearing a respirator, and I’ll be sure to change the chemical cartridges a couple times during the day, but it is really really hard to blow your nose with a respirator on. I’ll have to go outside every ten minutes! Boyfriend, and perhaps you all agree with him, thinks I’m nuts, but there is a reason behind this. By working Sunday, when nothing is open anyway, I can take a weekday off and get things done.

Fourth, my to-do list is a mile long. And being sick has slowed my productivity rate significantly. There are things I want to do. Please note, these are not New Year’s Resolutions. I firmly believe that if we want to make changes in our lives, the best time to start is immediately, not at some fixed, yet mostly meaningless point in time. There are time sensitive items on this list, so I guess they are the priority. No, blogging is not one of them. Yes, I am wasting precious time and energy.

Fifth, one of the items on my to-do list. My license expires in May. Not my car drivers license, that other drivers license. I’ve been real reluctant to do anything about it. There are a number of steps, some of which cost money, others that just cause hassles, and some that cause both. I haven’t been through this process before, so I don’t really know what to expect. Most of my friends can’t help, because they got theirs after me. My former employers have been through it several times each, but getting advice from them is like pulling teeth. I feel all alone in this. And I’m not entirely committed to renewing; I’m not sure there is a point. I’ve never really used the darn thing, and I hope my life path leads me farther away from ever needing it. But the economy is crap, so who knows where I’ll be next month or next year?

Sixth, and I like to think of this last one as the bright spot right now, I am revamping my job search efforts. No, I have not been laid off, but I can’t handle the stress of constantly believing that any week could be my last. Despite assurances from the company that I have nothing to worry about, I can’t help freaking out. I cannot live like this. So I’m actively looking for a Plan B, which depending on what I find, could potentially become Plan A. I’m back to using USAJOBS, a site that has caused me much difficulties and no luck in the past, but I’m looking at a different department. I’m currently looking for a job in a national park, preferably one in the Rockies, the West, or Alaska. Many of these job opportunities are temporary appointments, which would give me the chance to get out of here for a while and see something new. What happens after the temporary time is up (probably September)? I’m not sure yet. Perhaps current job will still exist, particularly if people do get laid off for the summer and we have some work again next winter. Perhaps the current state government hiring freeze will no longer be in effect, and I could use my experience in a national park as a bridge to say, the Department of Conservation. Perhaps I don’t return here.

I do have other bright spots in my life. My new yoga class starts on Monday, and after the holiday break, I feel like I sure do need it! My saxophone is currently in the repair shop, but I will have it back this week, and the repair guy is going to help me find a new mouthpiece, which will hopefully help to correct some of my tone issues. And then the first rehearsal for my new band is next weekend! I’m also thinking of doing some volunteering at the local hospital. In high school, I was a volunteer in the O.R., and I think it is a great way to branch out of my little rut, meet new people, and gain new experiences.


Bah Humbug!

My employer has officially lost his f***ing mind. Everyone has always said that Big Boss is such a nice guy who cares so much about his employees and how lucky we all are to work for someone like that. Bullshit. Two incidents recently have transformed our wonderful place of employment into one of anger and panic.

The first is related to my post a couple weeks ago, when suddenly we were informed that some of us may lose our jobs, as we run out of work. The rest of the company was given the same speech about a week later. On Monday, Big Boss introduced his latest charity case – in the form of a new employee!! Some companies donate canned goods to food pantries or work a soup kitchen, or sign up to sponsor a struggling family at Christmas so the kids all get presents. Not us. We just give the charity child a job!! This kid, “J”, is a high school student at a local alternative high school (although he lives several counties away, who knows how he ended up here?) and must be on some sort of work-study plan. I don’t know what hours he studies, though, because he is with us from 9-3. He spent the first two days sweeping the floors, going round and round the building, while everyone else continued doing their thing, which involves making a huge mess. Normally, the whole crew stops creating the mess on Friday afternoon and cleans up, together.

So then, yesterday I was searching for a missing tool attachment, and noticed J working in a back corner, but he wasn’t sweeping. He was doing an easy, mindless aspect of… wait for this… my job. You know, the job I might lose, because there isn’t enough work. Today, I was asked to teach him, so he could keep going with that project!

I about lost my mind. I tried to politely ask a couple higher-ups what was going on. If there isn’t enough work for “us”, how is there enough work for him? I am not ok with running out of work, or teaching my potential replacement! The response from both higher-ups was the same: “we aren’t running out of work, and he’s just a kid who wants to learn something.” Wait. I’m confused. Didn’t they just recently tell us otherwise? What the hell?

The other incident concerns our Christmas vacation, and I use that term very loosely. This year, the company is giving us the 25h and the 1st off, paid. That’s it. Granted, our employee handbook only guarantees those two days off, but every single year there have been more paid holidays. Last year, we were given the whole week between the holidays off and paid. As a conservative, bare minimum guess, I would have expected to get Friday the 26th off this year. That’s what everyone thought and made travel plans accordingly.

Big Boss decided in the beginning of November that we would get the day after Thanksgiving off, for a four-day weekend. This happens some years, but not all. We thought that was great! The announcement for Christmas was made following Thanksgiving weekend(during the same meeting when they told the rest of the company they might lose their jobs…a meeting now referred to at “the sermon”) . So those of us that already had other plans (I think, this is most of the company), now have to use a vacation day(s).

“Oh, and don’t forget everyone, the annual Christmas party will be held at a local restaurant on the 19th, please make sure to turn in your dinner choices by next Monday!” Let me get this straight. We can’t have one extra holiday, because we have no work, and we are now paying an extra person to do my nonexistent job? But we can have a big party? Boyfriend is trying to talk me into boycotting the party. He’s fed up and doesn’t see much to celebrate. I think he’s right.

Bah Humbug.

Apparently, I’m a horrible person.

Or, that’s what I’ve been told anyway.

There was a funeral this afternoon. I knew the man had died, I knew the funeral was today, I knew plenty of others who were going, but I chose not to go. So why didn’t I go? Simple: I didn’t know the man!

So what’s the fuss? Well, this man was the founder (40? 50? years ago) of the company I work for. His son bought the company in the 80’s, and for many years the father would frequently come by to see what was going on. I work for the son, but the father hasn’t been around much in several years.

Apparently, I’m a selfish, thoughtless, heartless, bitch, because I didn’t feel it was necessary for me to be at the funeral. From a coworker-friend, I received a lecture about how she didn’t know him either, but that she was going because she cares about our boss and his family. I should have gone to demonstrate my loyalty to the company.

What the hell? I demonstrated my loyalty to the company by actually working to the end of the day, while most others skipped out early to shower, change, and get a good parking spot!

I offered my condolences to my boss, his wife, and his sister a week ago. I feel I met my obligations as an employee and as a member of the human race, and I don’t really understand what the big deal is. There were others who didn’t go either; I wonder if they did/will get the same lecture.

The Honeymoon is Over!

(lyrics to come when I have more time to think about it)
The honeymoon is so over. I even filed for a divorce today, but I haven’t told him yet.

NO! I’m not talking about my boyfriend… and NO! there wasn’t/isn’t a wedding. Ok? Got it?

I’m talking about the man I spend more time with than anyone else on the planet, who affectionately refers to me as the ‘old ball and chain’. He’s a curmudgeon and a dirty old bastard. In fact, I’ve been told by several observers that there already exists a sexual harassment file on him, and all I have to do is say the word. He’s harmless though, and he’s been my work partner for more than a year.

His lousy attitude brings me down and his angry/aggressive music makes me angry and aggressive. Our output is decent in terms of quality and quantity, but I need a break from this unhealthy relationship.

About a week ago he was out sick, and I got stuck doing a full day of hard labor, unassisted. I got it done, though, and this project is only a quick-and-dirty, get-it-done type job, as opposed to a drawn out, fussy one. We had planned to finish this project today, so I arrived this morning and was getting ready for the final step. He arrived and immediately started over at square friggin’ one. He was being much fussier than on any other part of the project; actually, I think he was milking it. He didn’t say one word to me in apology or explanation. He was wasting his time today and invalidating all the work I did while he was out. I finally walked away and found something else to do to cool off. Naturally, he started bitching about me to anyone who would listen to him whine for sticking him with all this extra work. For F***’s sake, he created the extra work!

I ran into my foreman a bit later and asked if he would be willing to mix up the pairings a bit. A year with one person is an awful long time. I also asked if there was work going on at one of our off-site locations (nicknamed “The Beach”); I’d love to spend a little time up there as it is quiet and less frenzied. He seemed receptive to the idea, but no plans have been made yet.

During our 2pm break today, a number of us were sitting outside, when a familiar car came down the drive. L used to work for the company, but quit the beginning of last summer. L and I were the only females at the time but were not the best of friends. I was raised a snob, and she was raised a redneck in an extreme which I have never before, or since, seen in a female. We were civil…she could never be considered ‘professional’. The guys all loved her because she baked cookies and flirted with them and thought nothing about taking off her shirt to show off her entire-back tattoo. Classy, huh? I wasn’t sorry when she quit, and since then? I’m the alpha female; this is my turf.

All the guys fawned over her during break as she bragged all about how much she’d been working lately (really? and you were done before 2pm?), how she’s spending two weeks in Mexico (probably to lick up the spilled beer left over from spring break), and how she’s going to take the whole summer off (I’d have to live in my car if I went without income for that long). Even my own boyfriend couldn’t get enough of her! She tried to steal him from me once before. Obviously, it didn’t work; he’s not into trailer trash.

Yeah, so the honeymoon is over. Between me and my work partner, and between me and my job (but hey, that’s not new).

I think I’ll go take a nice long lavender-scented bath. Someday when I own my dream house, I’m going to have a spa tub and one of those showers with water squirting from 20 different directions.

Aaaahhhhhh. That feels devine.

Am I an Angry Bitch?

And here you are,
So happy in your misery.
You’re angry at the world.
You’re angry at your history.
You think the screaming scrapes
Of life are soley yours.
You’d rather wallow in your sh*t
Then climb ashore.”

~Seven and the Sun (Happy in Your Misery)

I don’t want to be an angry bitch. I am a moody, complaining pessimist, and I may never be one of those completely annoying shiny happy peoples.  But just how am I perceived by the world? Am I content with the perceptions of others?


Ok, that’s what immediately comes to mind. I’m sure there’s more. Do I feel better? HELL NO!! So what’s the point of releasing this anger? My problems haven’t all magically disappeared. I know I have trouble managing stress, and perhaps it comes with the territory of “being an adult”, but sometimes I feel that I have more than my fair share of stresses. My therapist thinks I’m “keeping a lid on my anger”.  Releasing my anger doesn’t make me feel any better; it only means the people around me have to listen to me bitch. And nobody likes a bitch.

So, here’s another thing that makes me angry: I THINK I NEED A NEW THERAPIST.


There is a Chinese Proverb that states: "A bird does not sing because it has the answers. It sings because it has a song." This is my song. I don't pretend to have the answers.