Posts Tagged 'Holidaze'

The Twelve Pains at Christmas

Have you heard this song by Storm Akima on the radio? It is about the only Christmas song on the radio I can stand, mostly because it cracks me up. Well, that’s not entirely true; I do like instrumental versions of some songs, including Sleigh Ride and a version of Silent Night by Kenny G, but generally, Christmas songs on the radio get real old, real fast.

Some thoughts on the lyrics, as they apply to my life:

1) I bought my tree yesterday. It is a perfect size, but it doesn’t have much scent. I sadly suspect it was cut down long long ago, but it is so much easier to get one at a lot than a cut-it-yourself tree farm.

2) I haven’t rigged up the lights or hung ornaments yet, because I’m waiting for the branches to unfold a little bit more.

4) I’m not sending Christmas Cards this year. I don’t feel like it. Please don’t feel left out if you were expecting one. And if it makes your life easier, you can leave me off your lists too.

5) Bills. Yep. I’m going to have a bunch, because I’m footing the bill for boyfriend and me to stay in a hotel, instead of at my parents house. I require space.

6) The inlaws thing doesn’t really apply to me, but pity my boyfriend. I do.

Here are the humorous lyrics, but I recommend this You Tube video if you haven’t heard it:

“The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Inebriated man (3): Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I’m trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
6: And what do you mean, “your in-laws”?!?
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
Toy-commercial voice (10): “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She’s a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who’s got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make ’em dinner!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: I’m not sending them this year, that’s it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you’re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.”

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Bah Humbug!

My employer has officially lost his f***ing mind. Everyone has always said that Big Boss is such a nice guy who cares so much about his employees and how lucky we all are to work for someone like that. Bullshit. Two incidents recently have transformed our wonderful place of employment into one of anger and panic.

The first is related to my post a couple weeks ago, when suddenly we were informed that some of us may lose our jobs, as we run out of work. The rest of the company was given the same speech about a week later. On Monday, Big Boss introduced his latest charity case – in the form of a new employee!! Some companies donate canned goods to food pantries or work a soup kitchen, or sign up to sponsor a struggling family at Christmas so the kids all get presents. Not us. We just give the charity child a job!! This kid, “J”, is a high school student at a local alternative high school (although he lives several counties away, who knows how he ended up here?) and must be on some sort of work-study plan. I don’t know what hours he studies, though, because he is with us from 9-3. He spent the first two days sweeping the floors, going round and round the building, while everyone else continued doing their thing, which involves making a huge mess. Normally, the whole crew stops creating the mess on Friday afternoon and cleans up, together.

So then, yesterday I was searching for a missing tool attachment, and noticed J working in a back corner, but he wasn’t sweeping. He was doing an easy, mindless aspect of… wait for this… my job. You know, the job I might lose, because there isn’t enough work. Today, I was asked to teach him, so he could keep going with that project!

I about lost my mind. I tried to politely ask a couple higher-ups what was going on. If there isn’t enough work for “us”, how is there enough work for him? I am not ok with running out of work, or teaching my potential replacement! The response from both higher-ups was the same: “we aren’t running out of work, and he’s just a kid who wants to learn something.” Wait. I’m confused. Didn’t they just recently tell us otherwise? What the hell?

The other incident concerns our Christmas vacation, and I use that term very loosely. This year, the company is giving us the 25h and the 1st off, paid. That’s it. Granted, our employee handbook only guarantees those two days off, but every single year there have been more paid holidays. Last year, we were given the whole week between the holidays off and paid. As a conservative, bare minimum guess, I would have expected to get Friday the 26th off this year. That’s what everyone thought and made travel plans accordingly.

Big Boss decided in the beginning of November that we would get the day after Thanksgiving off, for a four-day weekend. This happens some years, but not all. We thought that was great! The announcement for Christmas was made following Thanksgiving weekend(during the same meeting when they told the rest of the company they might lose their jobs…a meeting now referred to at “the sermon”) . So those of us that already had other plans (I think, this is most of the company), now have to use a vacation day(s).

“Oh, and don’t forget everyone, the annual Christmas party will be held at a local restaurant on the 19th, please make sure to turn in your dinner choices by next Monday!” Let me get this straight. We can’t have one extra holiday, because we have no work, and we are now paying an extra person to do my nonexistent job? But we can have a big party? Boyfriend is trying to talk me into boycotting the party. He’s fed up and doesn’t see much to celebrate. I think he’s right.

Bah Humbug.

I Pried the Security Tag off a Dress!

Don’t only thieves have to do that? And just how did I get out of the store without setting off the alarm? And then I visited several other stores in the mall and didn’t set off their alarms either.

Yes, this occurred on Black Friday. I really didn’t look forward to the crowds, but there is a huge mall near where my parents live (I was at their house for Thanksgiving), and I had to drive right by it on my way home on Friday. It took me about an hour to find a parking space, then I had to practically cross a highway and hike another three miles uphill (both ways, and it was pouring when I left the mall) just to get to an entrance.

So, what sort of Christmas loot did I score? At the mall – nothing, not one gift. I went shopping for myself, because there is no good shopping around here. I got a couple of soft cozy sweaters, and some bath products, and a pair of jeans. Normally, I don’t spend much on jeans. Every store on this continent sells jeans, and no brand ever seems to fit me. But I went ahead and tried on some of the pricier brands, and found three pairs that fit, while their Levies and LEI counterparts did not fit. What gives? Why is it that the more expensive brands were actually cut to fit my curves? Normally, I can’t find a size where the leg is wide enough for my tree trunk thighs but then cuts in enough for an apparently disproportionately small waist. But to try on so many pairs that fit? It was an unbelievable experience!! I was tempted to buy all three!

Then the dress. Boyfriend thinks I need to wear a slutty black dress and plan on getting real drunk at my aunt’s wedding in December. Perhaps this is the only way he could be enticed to go. So I found a black dress. Really, all females should have a black dress in their closet anyway, right? It is not trampy, so boyfriend better plan on wearing a suit to match my gorgeousness.

The dress was a steal! It had already been marked down by about 30%, and then there was a Black Friday discount. But I swear that I paid for the thing! I have a receipt with the same barcode as on the sales tag on the dress. I guess the sales woman just forgot to take off the security tag at the crazy-busy checkout. So I was forced to pry the security tag off the dress.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day. The start of the season of holidays. The non-religous holiday where we get to indulge in at least one of the seven deadly sins – gluttony – if not others (greed? rage? or is that just my family?). The day dieters can’t bear to think about.

The day to celebrate the harvest. The day to celebrate having plenty. How unusual in this year of recession. But according to our folk lore, the first Thanksgiving would have been held under similar circumstances. The settlers did not have a successful first harvest and the Native Americans shared their feast. The Native Americans, who were also pushed off their land and saw their populations decimated due to diseases brought by the settlers helped their neighbors in their time of need.

Perhaps we should take a lesson: love thy neighbor, help thy neighbor, even as he tries to kill you. They say tall fences make good neighbors, but remember, no man is an island. We are all interconnected, and we must stand together, perhaps now more than ever, to overcome this current economic crisis. Be thankful for the love and support of your friends, neighbors, and global community. And remember to pay it forward.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Easter

“Bunnies are brown.
Bunnies are white.
Bunnies are always
An Easter delight.

Bunnies are cuddly,
The large and the small.
I like the chocolate ones
Best of them all.”
~an Easter poem (Bunnies)

Apparently Easter is a huge religious holiday. To me, it only means that everything is closed today (and damn, I didn’t go to the grocery store yesterday), and all the extra Cadbury Crème Eggs will be on sale tomorrow. I love those things!!

My parents are not religious people; their own parents even questioned their desire to be married in a church. One of my grandfathers was religious and attended services regularly. His brother attended services at a different church in the same town. I have no idea what variation of Christianity I am “supposed” to be. And I don’t much care. I don’t know a whole lot about any religions, but I would guess that my thoughts more closely resemble a religion(s) from Asia, not Europe. Or perhaps Animalism, Mother-Nature-ism, or Ocean-ism.

Sometimes I do wonder if I missed out by not going to church, because I don’t even know the stories of the Bible. I’ve missed one of the most widely read – perhaps the most widely read – pieces of literature. But does anyone actually read the Bible? Maybe I should just get the Cliff’s Notes version

Ugh. Cliff’s Notes. What a horrendous invention for the slacker masses. I bought one, once, in high school, although I can’t recall which book it was for. I just remember that the Cliff’s Notes contained the exact same discussion of meanings and symbolism as the teacher drilled into our heads in class. It was almost as if the teacher was using Cliff’s Notes as our textbook for the class. What’s wrong with reading a book for its own enjoyment? Why must we find hidden meanings? And did the author really intend all those meanings? I’ve long had my doubts (yes, of course, the Bible is the obvious exception).

I like to read. My current favorite author is Rick Bass who has written about life in the wilderness of Montana. I prefer his non-fiction, and his Winter has helped inspire a recent obsession with wanting to live in the rugged Rockies. I’ve also recently read What Color is Your Parachute, a book about job searching. Although filled with lots of good tips and information, I’m never going to find motivation while sitting on my butt reading a book. I also have two (unopened) library books about career opportunities in scientific fields sitting on my couch.